broken promises
Just yesterday I swore I wouldn't say anything negative about my ex-in-law in front of the children. I've already broken my promise.
It happened like this:
This afternoon we had a family meeting to determine whether we should hire an attorney to represent my stepdaughter in court. My husband proposed that we take our chances without one, since the wicked ex-in-law is refusing to contribute to the attorney's fees.
I lost it.
To summarize, I stated that I was uncomfortable with the idea of rolling the dice on this one. My stepdaughter's future hangs in the balance here. I don't feel much like a gambler. And quite frankly, since when has the ex-in-law paid for anything anyway? I mean, sure, it would be nice, but none of us ever expected that she would actually contribute. I closed with, "after all, it's only money."
My stepdaughter's face full of gratitude was enough to make me think that maybe what I said wasn't so bad after all.
ex-in-law
Even though I've been married before, I've never really had to deal with an ex-in-law. It's been a rather nasty addition to my otherwise nice life.
In the beginning, I defended my ex-in-law from my husband, and from their children. I didn't think it was possible for her to be the demon they portrayed. I have since discovered I was wrong.
Quite simply, my ex-in-law is poisonous. Our family counselor noted that she suffers from borderline personality disorder (the counselor also counseled my husband and the ex-in-law when they were still together, so she has first-hand knowledge of her poisonous ways).
Just a few examples of her intrinsic awfulness:
- Once, when both my stepdaughters were still in her custody, she insisted, on a school night, that they must both find somewhere else to stay that night because she needed "alone time" with her live-in boyfriend. When one of the girls protested that she didn't know where to go and that she wanted to stay home, E-I-L said, "I said 'go.'"
- Although she sees the kids only two weekends a month, she routinely schedules trips out of town for the weekends they're supposed to visit her and then arranges for her relatives to take the kids on those weekends.
- When my husband and I married a year and a half ago, I agreed to put all three of her children on my health insurance, if she agreed to pay for a portion of it. She agreed. She hasn't paid and now all of their medical bills arrive in my name.
- My 16 year old stepdaughter moved in with us in November. She'd gotten herself into some real trouble and was busted at school for drug possession. Since moving in with us, she has been a model child. She is getting A's and B's in all her classes, and has generally transformed from rebellious teen on the road to nowhere, to focused, ambitious girl seriously planning for her future. However, the past is coming back to haunt her. Drug charges have now been filed against her, both misdemeanor and felony charges. We want to get her a lawyer, not to shield her from consequence, but to protect her from a too harsh judgement. The ex-in-law, however, is harboring grudges. She is angry that her daughter is doing well now (why couldn't she do well with her?) and refuses to assist with attorney's fees. Her stance: that her child needs to feel the full weight of the law and learn the consequences of her actions. What that really means: she's not going to pay a dime.
I'm trying to stay rational and keep my dislike and fury to myself. I will not do as she does and express it in front of the kids. But I'm beginning to hate her.
the thing with feathers
My mom had her last scheduled chemo today. The doctors say everything is looking good. They want to do another CAT scan in the next few weeks to see what's happening with the tumor on her spine. They're thinking the tumor might be gone, that after this last treatment, she might actually be in remission.
Mom says she's afraid to get too excited, afraid to hope. I tell her not to hold back--what's to be gained by avoiding happiness?
But I get it. I'm scared, too. But happy.
control
I've been thinking a lot about control lately--mostly my lack of it when it comes to my own life. Years ago, when my 35 year old fiance died in a freak accident, I thought I had realized the futility of attempting to control and order my life and the lives of those around me, that I had learned that none of us has any real control over the things that happen, that our only control is over our reactions to the events of our lives.
But clearly, I have not quite learned the lesson.
I'm feeling oh-so frustrated right now by my lack of control in so many areas. Take my stepson, for example, who seems determined to fail the seventh grade. The control freak in me says that there must be something we can do, something to force him to see the light and start acting like just a half-ass student instead of the class clown. We've tried everything I can think of, though, and nothing works. Nothing. So I'm trying to back off, to play it nonchalant ("Your grades, your problem"), but inside I'm still scrambling, climbing the figurative walls in fact, desperate to discover the secret, the trick, that will fix what nothing else has fixed.
And then there's my mother. She's very ill, and she is the queen of the control freaks. The QUEEN, I tell you. But she simply can't keep up anymore--all of the things that were once in her control are simply falling by the wayside, being neglected, and becoming more and more difficult for anyone to get a handle on. And yet, when I try to calmly, reasonably suggest that she allow us, her family, to take over some of those responsibilities (just temporarily of course), to lift the burden from her (and quite frankly, from my worrying, insomniac self), she refuses. Steadfastly. With nonsensical excuses and endless procrastination. And it's driving me nuts.
My husband says I need to detach from all of it. Just let it go.
Yeah, right.
writing prompts for you
Check out my new blog just for writers--The Writing Room. This one will boast a new writing prompt daily (almost). Prompts should be appropriate for just about anyone--from teen writer to fledgling author to frustrated, blocked blogger. Please post comments, suggestions--I'd love to make this a source of inspiration for other writers out there.
tear-jerkers
For some reason, this weekend felt very sad, even though I spent most of it with my lovely hubby. We had a great time Saturday afternoon, just walking around Cartersville and popping into the little shops along the way. We found a dark little Irish pub to have lunch in, and listened to this cool southern-rock, blues guy playing guitar, singing, and pumping a cymbal with his left foot.
But then we watched not one, but two utterly depressing movies. Saturday night we sobbed throughout The Notebook, and continued crying for about an hour after the movie ended. Cut to Sunday. In an attempt to lift the gloom from Saturday, we went to see Million Dollar Baby. Great movie, wrong choice. If you haven't seen it, all I can say is Clint Eastwood is incredibly talented, but bring the tissues.
So now it's Monday, Valentine's Day, and all I can think is that I wish our weekend had been a bit less teary and a bit more romantic. Oh well--hearts and flowers to me!
being there
I spent the afternoon with my mom today. She had her third chemo treatment on Wed., and usually the ten days that follow are so rough on her. She generally would spend this weekend vomiting incessantly, followed by a Mon. doctor visit during which they give her fluids to help with the nausea and the dehydration. But they've given her different meds to combat the nausea this time, and today was much better than any of us had expected. In fact, I brought her a Big Mac of all things (at her request), and she ate almost all of it. Amazing.
Most of the day I just lay in bed next to her, talking occasionally, dozing, watching the wavy lines on her TV that is so old it can't be hooked to cable, and generally being there. Why is that so hard for others in my family to understand--that she just wants someone to be with sometimes, just a companion to push away the loneliness and the inevitable despair that is ever at hand, ready to wrap its silky, sinuous arms about her otherwise positive spirit. Several times today she said, "I'm just so glad you're here." I'm just so glad I could be.
great blogger templates
Thanks, Richa! Don't you just love my blog's new outfit? You too can have this and other oh-so-stylish designs by visiting Richa's free template page (you might also want to check out Richa's blog while you're at it). I had to do just a tiny bit of tinkering to add in the extras I had on my previous template, but it was worth it. I also uploaded all the images to my own server to help out the generous Richa. This design is so much more me. (I just realized that I now feel about a new blog skin the way I once felt about a new pair of shoes--I am quickly making my way into geekdom). So far, the template seems to be working fine, and it even displays properly in Safari, something the other one had quit doing a month or so ago.
Yeah--my blog looks pretty!
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