now we know
It's lymphoma. And a spinal tumor.I've cried so much that I now have a dull headache. I''m drinking my second cup of coffee with Bailey's, so I guess I'll let the caffeine and the alcohol battle it out. I don't know what to write, but I'm trying to make some sense of this, keep myself busy, etc., etc.
I keep thinking of all the times over the last six months that I wondered how bad my mom really felt. She's always had a flair for drama and I couldn't help wondering if her pain was really as bad as she said. But then last week, on Thanksgiving, I got so worried looking at her. I suddenly knew that something was really wrong. I looked at the picture on the refrigerator, taken last year on my birthday, when she was her happy, energetic self, and I looked at the frail woman in my living room who looked more like my 80 year old grandmother than my mom. I feel so guilty for ever doubting her pain; I have the cold comfort of never having expressed those doubts aloud. Today, though, my mother admitted to me that at least knowing relieved her own anxieties that the pain might be psychosomatic.
I feel powerless. Mom admitted to me this afternoon that what she wanted most was for her own mother to wrap her arms around her and tell her it was all going to be alright. But she can't let Granny know how serious all of this is, for fear of what it would do to her health. So, even that comfort is denied her.
And me. Selfishly, I envision the rest of my life without her steadfast presence, and once again, I dissolve into tears. I know it's early yet, there's treatment, there's hope, we don't know everything, etc. But right now, I'm having trouble getting to that place. Right now, all I can do is ache, and wish that I had been a better daughter all of these years, knowing that it's too late to change that too, and so once again, I'm powerless.
I've started questioning lately what I'm really accomplishing in this life. What would be my legacy? What have I done to make the world a better place? Is there anyone whose life has truly been enriched by me? Have I ever really performed a random act of kindness? Have I ever done anything truly brave or courageous? I know my mom has. There are so many whose lives she has touched, more kindnesses than I could ever hope to record. And now, once again, she is being asked to demonstrate her bravery and courage. I only hope the rest of us, those who love her, manage to follow her example.
posted by lit lover at
5:02 PM
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