half full
I need to be positive. I need to practice positive thinking. My mom will get well. She will fight this and she will win. I have to believe that. The maudlin part of me, the part that's scared, terrified in fact, wants to dispute these claims but I can't listen. I have to focus on the good. I have to believe that my mom has a fighting chance.Tomorrow we go to the oncologist. My sister is driving me a bit crazy with all her internet research. I used to be that one, the one who looked everything up and explained it to the rest of the family. But I don't want to see all that right now. The information and misinformation the internet provides will only make me more than a little crazy, I feel sure. I'm going with mom and dad to the oncologist tomorrow. I'm taking a notepad and I'm going to try to remain stoic through the whole thing as hubby suggests. But, as I confessed to him, that doesn't necessarily mean I won't leak a tear or two. But that won't keep me from paying attention, taking good notes, and asking a lot of questions. My sister kept telling me we needed a vocabulary with which to speak to the doctors so that we would understand what they were saying. Fuck that. I will make them stop and explain it to me as we go. I'll get my "vocabulary" on the fly. But I will not spin my wheels doing internet research that gives me the illusion of power and control when in fact, we have none. We will go to experts, probably more than one, and we will listen to what they have to say. And we will educate ourselves along the way. But we will not panic.
We need to buy a tree today, to decorate for Christmas. Have I ever felt less like celebrating?
posted by lit lover at
9:41 AM
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